A Delicate Subject
Pete and I experienced two miscarriages before conceiving Rudy. There was no easy way for me to start this post, but it is something that I have wanted to write about for a while now, and the time just felt right. It's a subject that is rarely spoken about openly for obvious reasons. Growing up I was always aware how difficult it could be for someone to conceive, the time and money a couple spend longing for that tiny little miracle to happen, it seemed limitless. I never thought there would be a day when I was going to get pregnant and lose my baby. When I fell pregnant with Dylan at 20 years old, looking back I was lost in a world of baby names, pregnancy books and the different shades of pinks and blues. The pregnancy itself was textbook, really easy, luckily I didn’t have any complications.
Pete and I always knew we wanted brother or sister for Dylan, he needed a life long wing(wo)man. Time went by just the three of us, it was heaven but in the back of my mind I knew that if we didn’t start ‘trying’ (hate that word) soon - Dylan was 3 at this point, that time would zoom past and we would probably just leave it. So it was time to ditch my pill and swap it for the Folic Acid, get pregnant and it would be as easy as that or so I thought. My doctor told me that it could take a couple of months for the effects of my contraception to wear off, so not to worry if I didn’t fall pregnant straight away.
I became obsessed with getting pregnant. It’s all I could think about. I didn’t venture down the avenue of checking my ovulation days etc, because I wanted some romance to remain between me and the boyf. I’ll admit to doing one head stand on one occasion, was kind of a joke but there was some levels of seriousness in there somewhere on my part. Pete walked into the bedroom, saw me on my head, tilted his head and looked very confused for a couple of seconds and walked straight back out again. He must have thought I lost my marbles.
The month I came off my pill, I was 3 days late on my period. I remember sending Pete out to get a couple of pregnancy tests. I was so excited. Thinking that maybe just maybe we were pregnant. Did the tests both had the faintest light blue line. It took a while for it to form and the instructions clearly stated ‘Clear blue line’ and that it should appear quickly. Was I just a little bit pregnant and
maybe it was too soon to tell? No, my period came the next day. So after that little experience we decided not to buy any pregnancy tests unless I was 1-2 weeks late.
‘BABY!!!!’ There it was, the test was staring back at me saying ‘Pregnant 2-3 weeks’. I showed Pete, we were over the moon. I even took a picture of the stick ready to embark on a pregnancy diary. I put my shoes on and went to buy all of the pregnancy essentials. First things first, vitamins!
I made a phone call to my doctor who told me to pop in so we can chat through the first steps of my pregnancy. 1 week later and I was peeing on a stick and the doctor confirmed that I was actually 6 weeks pregnant. Result! But as I sat there speaking with my Doctor, I couldn’t ignore the deep down period like pains and the constant churning in my stomach. I din’t remember having that feeling with Dylan so I just put it down the embryo settling into my womb and didn’t bother mentioning it.
A couple of weeks passed and Pete had to go away for a few shows in Europe. I felt exhausted, the pains were still there and I had to solo parent. I really didn’t want him to go but he was only going to be gone for a week and Dylan and I have this tour wife life routine down! It must have been day 4 or 5 of Pete being away and the period like pains became unbearable. Dylan was in bed asleep, thank goodness, I just wanted to curl up into a ball and wake up in the morning and it would all be ok. It wasn’t ok and this pregnancy wasn't ok. I had started to bleed heavily and the pain was unbearable. I called my brother as he lived close by. He came over but had no idea what to do. What do you do when your little sister is miscarrying? I called 111 for some advice and they told me to monitor the blood loss and call 999 if it gets worse. I felt terrified.
Pete finally got home after endless phone calls pining for one another. He held me, we cried and it was an experience we both never wanted to endure again.
We were advised by the doctor to leave it a month or so before we started ‘trying’ for a baby again. I was surprised as to how quickly I wanted to get the ball rolling. Pete was incredibly cautious, he wanted to make sure my heart had healed after the miscarriage before we went all guns blazing.
I was ready, we gave it a month so my body recovered. About 6 weeks passed and we discovered I was pregnant again. We remained calm but I still couldn’t help myself, I tried to remember that the first 12 weeks are so fragile for a pregnancy and what with the miscarriage being so recent I was obviously super anxious… That’s what I put those weird niggling pains down to. Yep, I had those ‘Embryo settling into the womb’ like pains again. I remained calm and tried to talk myself out of it. My doctor decided to book me in for an internal scan to make sure everything was ok. At this point I was around 7 weeks pregnant and kept thinking that the 12 week mark wasn't too far off and that hopefully everything would be ok. So off I went for my first internal scan, I didn’t know what to expect. Pete was on tour so I had to brave it without him which looking back I think was for the best. Everything went fine, but lordies what us ladies have to go through. These internal scans and dignity do not go hand in hand but hey, I got to see my little bubba’s heartbeat so I didn’t care! Afterwards I felt like I was floating on air, so happy and relieved to see the heart beating. That feeling only lasted for about half an hour, then the faint rumbling deep in my womb brought me back to the ground, my tummy just wasn't settling. I tried to kick my thoughts to the back of my mind and focus on Dylan. A couple of weeks passed and I was trying to go about my days as normal as possible, Pete was STILL on tour but they were coming back to the UK and playing at Glastonbury. I desperately wanted to go and support my boy. We decided to take Dylan to the festival and make it into a little family friendly vibe which I was really looking forward to. 3 days before we went I found myself back at the hospital having a scan but this time I was bleeding and it was the dark red blood you don’t want to be seeing at this or any stage of your pregnancy. The doctor told me that the baby still had a heartbeat but I had to rest. No heavy lifting, walking had to be kept at a very low minimum. REST! All I kept thinking was, how the fuck am I going to look after Dylan? He was still so young and needed me. They told me that we were looking at 50% chance of this baby surviving. I was devastated. I couldn’t believe I was going through this again and with Pete being away, again! The pain was unbearable and all I could do was lay on the sofa. My amazing neighbour who very quickly became a great friend stepped in to help out with Dylan. The bleeding was still happening and the pain was still there. I was advised to rest but a strong gut feeling stepped in that if this baby was meant to be it was meant to be. I lost a lot of blood the night before we travelled to Glastonbury and I think that that was when I lost the baby. The physical and emotional pain was like no other. I did a pregnancy test the next morning and it came back negative. I did another one, negative. I made Pete go out and buy some of the cheaper ones because apparently they’re more sensitive… Negative. Game over. We travelled to Glasto and I remember it being a very peaceful and quiet drive. I was still bleeding slightly and my stomach was feeling tender but to be with Pete and Dylan was all I wanted.
We decided to put a stop on the ‘trying’ for a baby. If it was meant to be it would be. The summer of 2014 we had the best time! My mind felt a lot clearer and the need to get pregnant had disappeared. We had Dylan and that’s all that mattered…
September 2014 we fell pregnant whilst away in Ibiza, and our beautiful boy, Rudy was born the following June 2015. Our hearts have never felt so full of love for our children and I’d like to thank you for taking time to read this, I know it' not the easiest subject to digest. Honestly I had no idea that this week, is in fact International Baby Loss Awareness Week and by chance I felt compelled to write an honest piece about my experience. Looking back at those times I've now realised how difficult it is not only for the ladies experiencing the heartbreak of a miscarriage but for their partners too, male or female. I feel that in this day and age this subject is still very taboo and I really think that talking about my experience with people really helped me get through it.